JOKES

Stationer: You don't buy magazines anymore?
James: A now ago, i read that smoking, eating red meat, drinking and having a little extra activity with women can kill. I stopped reading!
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Eunice: Wake up!
Hymie: What's the matter?
Eunice: You're talking in your sleep again. Control yourself!
Hymie: We'll make a bargain. You let me talk when i'm awake and i'll try to control myself when asleep!
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Manuel was desperate to settle down with a nice girl, but every time he introduced one to his mother, she rejected his choice.
A friend came up with a possible solution. "Find a girl who is just like your mother. That way, she is sure to approve."
Manuel found the spitting image of his mother in a girl called Pretty. The following week, Manuel bumped into his friend again: " So, did you take my advice?"
"Certainly did, " said Manuel. "They could have been mistaken for sisters."
"And did you take Pretty home to meet your parents?"
"Yes, but, my father didn't like her!"
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If practice makes perfect and, nobody's perfect, why practice?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?
Are complete pessimists positively negative?
Why do the signs that say "Slow children" show a picture of a running child?
Why is it so hard to spell mnemonic?
What would the speed of lightning be if didn't zig zag?
How do sheep know if you are pulling the wool over their eyes?
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your your brain falls out.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Don't lend people money, it gives them amnesia.